still grieving a decade later

i lost the one person i ever felt a real connection with, and i still live with the grief, survivor’s guilt, and shame of how i treated him while he was alive a decade later. I spent 9 of those years in a state of shock, denial, and bargaining with my higher power in a desperate attempt to replace him in any way i possible could. thus leading to my ramp up in my addictions. while my addictions have always been with me as i was born into the life of substance abuse with mental health issues on the side. the passing of my wonderful husband only amplified my need to self medicate.

im sitting here now typing this crying over the fact that i have felt so alone for the last ten years. i know all to well that my higher power is here with me in spirit, and i have my two amazingly beautiful boys that just so happen to also be my best friends. and yet somehow i feel empty, alone, and desperate for attention, love, and intimacy. they say to be known is to be loved, and i truly feel like no one really knows me not like he did.